My story

Door Dass gepubliceerd op Sunday 20 March 20:06

This is my story, a story that begin whit the beginning of my life and ends today. Or maybe it begun a bit later, it begun at the moment I walked out of the house, because my parents were shouting at each other. I don’t know why, I didn’t listen, I didn’t care. It were there lives, not mine. I started to walk, faster and faster, after a few minutes I run into the wood, I kept on running for a few minutes. Then I saw something, I stopped and looked at it. It was something I built last year, when my parents started there fights, the real beginning of this story. I walked back home, or actually I cant call it home anymore, I lived there, but that doesn’t mean it was my home, it was more like the house where I live. When I came there my parents stopped there fight, it was like nothing happened, like it was a normal family. Weeks and weeks everything was the same, there was shouting, there were fight, there were moments of happiness and moment of hate. It was just like always. But that day was different, actually it changed all day after it too. I came ‘home’ from school, there were very much people, I didn’t know why, but I also didn’t care. It wasn’t for me, I thought, but it kind of was. When I walked into the living room, I was told to pick up some stuff, and to be back in ten minutes. We were leaving this house, first I thought it was some kind of a holiday, it was summer and they told me to pack for a couple of days. I did it, and didn’t think about where we were going, I was thinking about other things, things like school, friends, the wood, that kind of things. Not about moving, or some stupid holiday.

A bit less than a year later I was living in a place, I didn’t know before, I was going to a new school, had new friends and was living just a new life. My father didn’t live whit us, it was only my mother and my sisters, my dad lived at the old place, our old ‘home’, the place where I lived almost my whole life, until now. At the weekend my sisters and I visited him, he pick us up at Friday, just after school, and brought us back on Monday, very early, because after that we also had school. Every week is the same again, but it’s different as the years before we lived here. It’s just like my life is changed to a live of someone else. Someone who didn’t enjoy life, who wasn’t the happy, outgoing person I was, someone who saw the pain, someone who made the pain more worth than happiness. The person I became wasn’t me, didn’t look like me and didn’t act like me. I didn’t want to be that person, so I fight against it, against the person who took over my body, she hadn’t took over my mind yet, but I kind of had to listen to her, I just hated it, I hated her, actually I still hate her. She’s still inside me, she’s still not letting me live my one life. She took over all the power in my body at the day something happened, something I don’t like, I don’t like talking about, but it is a part of my story. It was a few days after my birthday, I became six years old, there was a sort of a party,

I liked it, I loved my birthday, until that year, from that year until now, and I actually don’t think it’s going to stop soon. I was making fun whit my sisters, eating cake and getting presents, but then there was a man, he looked at me, almost the whole time. Just after dinner, the end of my party, that man came to me and said that I looked amazing that day, he kind of laughed at me, a mean laugh that I will never forget, I didn’t noticed it first, but now I do. He said his present was upstairs, I didn’t thought that it was weird that I had to walk upstairs whit him to get it. I walked into the room where he said it was, I looked around me, but I didn’t see anything, there was nothing that could be my present. I turned around and asked where it was, he looked at me, said that I had to sit down, and shut the door. Than he walked to the bed, to the other side, I turned around so I could see what he was doing. He looked away just a few seconds, I came closer to him, so I could see where he was looking at, I thought it would be my present, but it wasn’t it were just the roofs of the houses around us. I asked what was so special about it, he looked at me, pick me up and let me sit on his lap. He did his arms around me and said that I had to look very good, so I could see how beautiful it was. I looked, while he was letting his arms go over my belly, I turned around and asked him what he was doing. He said that I just had to sit there and enjoy it, that it was fun, that I would like it. I didn’t know what was going on, but I thought if he say so, it maybe is fun, I don’t even know what’s going to happen, so how can I know that I don’t like it. I just looked at the roofs, and he was giving me little kisses in my neck, it felt weird, but also kind of funny. I didn’t know this felling, I didn’t know what was happening. It was just the little me who didn’t know anything about what was going to happen and that man, who only said that it was going to be fun.

The thing that happened after that were things I wish they never happened. It should be the best day this year, because it was my birthday, it was always the most lovely day, but not anymore. The things that happened that day made my birthday the most horrible day, I just wish birthdays stop existing, of course it can’t they are part of my life, I have to deal whit them. I looked around very quickly no one knew that I was looking, but I did. I was looking for a place were I could hide this secret. No one may ever know this, even I may not. I hide it, it should be gone, it should be at a place no one can find it. My sister came downstairs, she gave me a hug and sat next  to me, she asked me if I wanted to make bread for her, I did, it was something else to focus on.

When I got into the car my legs were shaking, I wasn’t scared, at least not for going away from this. Not for leaving this place forever, I knew it wasn’t forever, but it wished it was. Not because I hated that place, but because I hated the things that happened there. I hated the memories it kept, I hated that I couldn‘t change it, and that I couldn’t tell it. Not that it was such a great story that I had to tell anyone, not that this story was more important then other stories, it was just a story I wanted to tell, because I didn’t know what to do anymore. I have to fix this myself, I have to let this story be not longer a part of my live. I act like I was sleeping, because I didn’t want to be happy, I didn’t want to laugh. I dreamed of thing that should make my life perfect, I dreamed about things that would make me myself again. Now I know what I want, but at that time I didn’t. Everyday after that I kept losing myself more and more, after a couple weeks I didn’t saw myself anymore, I was quiet, shy and I didn’t know what to do. At the time I became quiet there were people that started bulling me. That gave my an idea, I didn’t wanted to live anymore and if I was quiet no one started to like me anymore and if no one love me I wouldn’t hurt anyone if I died. The only problem was that there were people that still love me, no matter what. I had to let them hate me, but I didn’t wanted to hurt them. I still don’t know how to do it, how to make everyone hate me. I look around, the same look as that morning, just a other place…

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