The Canadian years,80, the road to the end

Door San-Daniel gepubliceerd op Friday 20 February 08:03

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The road to the end

The evening was very nice, I can not describe it otherwise. My father was friendly and entertaining. He praised my brother continually and Karen looked occasionally proud up to her boyfriend. ‘This is the lady who has found the way to your heart, ‘my father laughed.’ Too bad we only get to know each other now so well.’ ‘For something important now,’ my father said, ‘you are leaving on Sunday to Edmonton.’ Karen nodded. ‘I will invite the insurance agent on Saturday, you should always take care of business. ‘Look ‘ my father said, ‘until now I was the beneficiary upon the death of my son. I co-signed for a loan at the time for the Mustang. That came with an obligatory life insurance in which we have agreed upon a clause of ‘double indemnity.’ ‘What does that mean,’ asked early Karen?

‘That if my son would die the  insurance would pay out twice in case of accident. I suppose if he is going to share his life with you that it is better if you are the beneficiary.’ Formally, my father was right and under normal circumstances it would have taken away from me every bit of doubt about his intentions, but I found that he had my brother and death too much on his mind. Gosh, Karen said ‘I have not thought about that.’ ‘It is important,’ my father emphasized, ‘you should always leave your partner well cared for behind when disaster strikes. So you know from now on, if your friend becomes unmanageable than he is worth $ 70,000.’ There was polite laughter but I couldn’t possibly laugh along, I wanted to shout out at the top of my lungs because I felt that this was not an accidental story, but as always my father’s arguments waterproof.

‘Have you got a freezer in the trailer,’ my father asked interested? ‘Yes,’ Karen replied. ‘Beautiful than I’ll give you some frozen venison from our deep freeze along. Then you’ll have to help me to fill my freezer up again,’ he said to my brother. ‘That is fine,’ said my brother, ‘I love hunting.’ ‘Beautiful,’ my father said, ‘tomorrow we’ll go out with the colleagues and the pastor, so if we go hunting on Saturday we are all ready for your departure on Sunday.’ Was I the only normal one? Warning lights started flashing in my head and I shuddered. My brother was not to go hunting with my father under any circumstance. But he was already fully taken in, and said,  ’great’ and asked, ‘where are we hunting?’ ‘Kananaskis,’ my father said. ‘It is somewhat remote but the season opens up earlier there.’ On the other hand, what could happen, my father was the only one to go hunting with my brother, he could not do anything because everything would point to him, I found that a reassuring thought. The rest of the evening was about one thing and another, and I was actually a bit ashamed for my skepticism and decided to try and be more positive.

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Yet I could not for the love God shake the feeling that cast a dark shadow forward. That night I had a nightmare, I knew that my brother was not to step out of the car but he did so, because he could not see or hear me and the darkness rippled around us in ever-thickening gusts.

In the morning I started with my brother about it. ‘Do not go hunting tomorrow I said, I have a bad feeling about it.’ ‘Not so melancholy’, he said, ‘it's far too early for that.’ ‘I mean it,’ I said,’I had a bad dream.’ ‘Oh dude, dreams are lies,’ he laughed away my anxiety, ‘ have you developed all of the sudden compassion for the deer?’ ‘Do you trust dad,’ I said suddenly, without holding back?’ Of course’, he said, ‘what could happen to me’ and I should have talked then but I kept my mouth. He was probably right, I was seeing ghosts, my brother was going to live in Edmonton with his girlfriend and my father had accepted it. That is how people think who want to banish out the bad and won’t  admit it in their lives.

San Daniel 2015

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