My story part 2

Door Missy Jackson gepubliceerd op Friday 15 April 07:27

14-04-2016, 14:59:

I'm sorry for things not getting very far yesterday, my boyfriend came home.

We actually had a pretty good day, we ate together, watched something and he brought me a muffin, which was sweet!

He gave me a backrub and I gave him an orgasm, sounds fair doesn't it?

I actually still feel bad about not swallowing often, I only do it every once in a while.

It's just that the texture and taste isn't great you know.

Either way, I took two sleeping pills instead of one, and hoped to actually be up a little earlier than usual, but it was almost noon so I guess I failed at that..,

still not feeling too terrible though.

I actually had something interesting happen to me today, my youtube account just got cancelled!

Copyright shit. Sigh.

I just feel like music should be available you know.

I actually am not as pissed off as I thought I would be!

Also I talked to the love of my life today, we skyped for a couple of minutes.

The connection was horrible which made it a little awkward but it wasn't too terrible, and I hope to start taking more steps forward soon!

So now that my boyfriend is at his friend/dealer's house, I actually have a moment!

So let's try again for the story!

When people ask me, when the mess in my life started, I usually answer with at conception, but I guess it's not completely true.

It actually started before then, since the situation before my conception was toxic and couldn't be much more chaotic!

So let's start with my background!

My dad was born in Sydney, Australia, by my grandmother who was 19 at the time.

She has had a tough childhood, and was exposed to a lot of mess when she was young, and she was in no way ready to raise a child..,

also it didn't help that my biological granddad was a german one-night-stand who dissapeared after the act pretty much!

I heard stories about my dad running around naked through the house as a not-potty-trained-three-year-old, which kind of paints the picture!

The house was messy and there was about zero stability.

She later had another son with a man she is still with today, and my dad and uncle were known to have terrible violent fights when they were young, the holes in the walls and doors can still be seen in their childhood flat! (I have seen it myself)

Now, my mother on the other hand, was born and raised in Amsterdam, by a back-then poor family.

She has two sisters, of which one broke loose and started having one-night-stands at the age of 11, and both aunts are alcoholics with their husbands/boyfriends and children also being alcoholics, one of which they all smoke.

My parents met each other only a couple of months before they moved in together, and my dad pressured my mother into the move because he didn't want to stay with my grandmother and his brother anymore.

They were only 17 at the time and they got married not long after.

They got married for free on a monday morning.

No wedding dress, no cake and no party.

They planned to get pregnant and had my sister in 1991, they were both thrilled!

My dad loves my sister like any dad would love their kids, he cared for her and they both live in Australia today.

A while later they decided together that they wanted another child, and in 1993 my brother was born!

My dad was dissapointed.

Not because he was a boy, or because he was two weeks late, he just never had the connection with my brother that he had with my sister, and he refused to care for him whatsoever.

My mother dealt with it, they stayed together and my mother alone was responseble for the care of my brother.

After the birth of my brother my mother went back on birthcontrol and the lived on.

Well, since I'm writing this, you can already guess what happened!

My dad was paranoid!

He was counting her birthcontrol pills, and constantly acusing her of not taking them.

Well, she did get pregnant, and later on the doctor found out that the birthcontrol she had been taking was not strong enough for a woman her size, but my dad still believes that she tricked him and got pregnant on purpose.

He didn't want any more children.

He was already dissapointed that he didn't have as strong of a connection with my brother and didn't want yet another child that he wouldn't love.

So, he started talking about abortion but my mother didn't want anything to do with it, so my dad gave her a choice.

Abortion or a divorce.

Well, as you already figured out, she refused to abort me.

Before I was born, she went through a terrible kidney infection, and my dad was 0% supportive.

Also, my mother told me that when she was 39 weeks pregnant with me, her neighbour gave her a closet, and my dad actually send his 39-weeks-pregnant wife to pick it up and was surprised that the neighbour came up to him to make a scene!

He made my mother do all the work of making coffee and all that stuff for the visitors only three days after I was born.

He has never even changed my diaper.

One funny thing that I recall is my mother telling me how much different I was than her other children, she thought I was a boy during the beginning of her pregnancy (based on my movements) also I was very late with walking, but started talking at six months.

My first word was wasmachine, dutch for washingmachine!

My dad changed his mind and decided to not go through with the divorce, but to cheat on my mother instead.

Also he left when I was six months old without saying anything, or leaving any money.

So for a while my mother was on her own with three kids and no money.

I don't know how she did it, but she made it only to find a total number of six women she knew about that my dad had cheated with!

She said she wanted a divorce, but he begged her to stay and she did, he cheated again and she forgave him once more.

The third time she went through with after the total number of women came down to six.

He even tried to convince her to let him live on the attic, but she left and kicked the bastard out!

She actually is a millionair today due to that divorce!

I only have two memories of my dad when I was a young child, everything else has been told to me.

One is him sitting in the corner of the room smoking, and the other one is him telling us (my sister, my brother and I), that he was going to Australia again.

He flew back and forth a lot, spending thousands of euro on business class plane tickets.

And even if he was in the Netherlands, I would still rarely see him since he usually came home well after I was in bed.

My mother told me that I actually said ''finally'' to the news of their divorce, and I'm very much so not surprised!

I was four years old when my dad left, and instead of having my life turn back to normal, or as normal as you can call your life without a dad, I was thrown into something completely different!

My sister and brother had both been going to the same school, and my mother had put me in the exact same school at age four.

I have little, but no negative memories of that school.

I do recall having a total of 32 children in that class, and I personally don't think that is reasonable!

Aparently, which I don't remember but do believe, I had a really hard time dealing with it all and I would start dozing off about halfway through a school day.

I believe it was the start of something that has been haunting me ever since, a lack of energy, and terrible sleeping problems.

Either way, my mother took the schools advice to get it checked out and they performed a long list of tests on me.

They said I had an iq of 126 and diagnosed me with MCDD, a diagnoses that they took back about a decade later.

They adviced my mother to put me in a special school and she did exactly that.

I didn't think anything of it and didn't mind going to a different school.

What I didn't realise, is what was going on in the background..,

my mother had always had custody over me, and since my dad never wanted me, it had never been an issue, up until now!

Aparently my dad was still so angry at my mother, that he wanted revenge, and my new diagnoses gave him the perfect opportunity to make a scene.

Reacties (2) 

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Thanks, is het ook wel, ik zou graag een vader figuur hebben, maar die vind je helaas niet zo makkelijk...
Mooi verhaal, het lijkt me wel echt heel moeilijk als je vader je niet wil hebben