No Words

Door AnnaElize gepubliceerd op Tuesday 19 May 19:42


Brought up in amazing surroundings, in wonderful houses,
With talented, beautiful, adventurous, athletic, intellectual, sophisticated, caring, supportive parents
Who did what they could with what they knew and thought was right
But like them we were also brought up in dismay over unfairness
Lacking the skills to overcome it
Some didn't care, some gave up
Some perished while learning
Deepening the cleft between those who were confirmed in their indifference
And those who were even more determined to unmask it fully
Torn we were and torn we stayed
Bridges are unwelcome here
Building one , or even attempting to, is considered an offence
For which sometimes mockery, slander and deceit
are the punishments with which they demonstrate their complete  contempt
But most of the time ignoring one altogether is the weapon of choice
Mistaken for peacefulness, but deadly to the core
No sound is accepted
For that is a reminder of your existence
A fact they'd rather forget
All reasons were proven to be false excuses
Now no explanation is given
Since that would be evidence of thought
It is considered highly arrogant and deeply annoying  to imagine
Even one would ever be wasted on you.
Still they are convinced they know you better then you know yourself
It infuriates them if you dare say anything to them
No words, no thoughts, no sights. no sounds
Sincerity, you are less than nothing to them
And less than nothing you must stay
How can you cheer when this is how you are treated?
Impossible?
And yet this is what is said we must do
Cheer because you cannot be poisoned at the root
Since your roots lay deeper than they can reach
Deeper than their insults, games and deceit
Deeper than life here
Earlier than birth
A light so bright
Even if it cannot reach you the normal way
Through the love of friends and family
Even when all that has been cut off
The purest light is yours
And you will be compensated a thousandfold at least
Jewels more precious than gold and diamonds for each tear you shed
Oceans of love for every breath that  felt like breathing lead
Mansions for every time your heart felt like a ton of bricks
And tons of friends and family, for every one that was estranged from you with lies
An eternity of bliss
For the moments of happiness stolen from you on earth
They made you suffer because of your sincerity
So for your sincerity you will receive much more than was ever taken
Your children who were robbed
Either before or after they were born or even conceived
Will meet you  and love you, perhaps not knowing it is you
But learning when the time is ripe
Deceit's victory is  bitter and always temporary
Sincerity is sweet and eternal
And is invincible just by being
Don't hide but shine
You can only win
No matter how they react
The kinder they are, the larger your reward on earth
The blinder they are
The larger your reward in heaven
Deceit can only lose
The more oblivious or indifferent others are, the later the consequences
But in the end, the unbearable void will always come for deceit
Just as surely as the rewards come for sincerity
Since sincerity is also its own reward
As deceit is also its own punishment
So choose sincerity
No matter how hard it seems
The more you practice it, the stronger it becomes
Like any muscle does
All will be healed
All will be whole
All will be reunited
Try it, you'll see



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There were no good byes
Just silence
Covered with excuses
“He ‘s so busy, that’s why your brother can’ t come see you.”
“They just don’t want to visit family.”
And then you’d find out they had visited other family members.

There were no fights, just lies
“I never knew anyone who was so proud of her small feet”

What?
I never said anything about my feet.
My mother complimented me about my feet.
And now my sister was repeating my mother’s words, as if they were mine?
What was this?

“You should have known she lied about you, she lied about everyone else.”
No, I didn’t know.

“You have a face only a mother could love.” He said.
Well, obviously not.

“You will look ridiculous with your baby face when you are old.”
“You will never have to be arrogant about your looks.”
“Don’t try to prevent people from being mad at you. They will be mad whatever you do.”
“You are a middle aged woman.”
“The best thing you can get me for my birthday is staying away.”
“Now you’ve seen California, now leave.”
“You smell.”
“What a ridiculous gift. Don’t try to pretend you did not have mean intentions with it. I know you did! No I won’t tell you what you can give instead.”
“You look like the before picture from a pimple commercial.”
“She is awful, and you are just like her.”
“I left you behind and never looked back.”
“I am angry you were ever born.”
“I am much happier if I never see you again.”
“Don’t come home for Christmas. You are the one making problems, so I chose your brother to spend Christmas at home.”
“Don’t visit me. I will not open the door if you come.”
“Don’t come to any of our funerals, birthdays,  weddings, of mine or any of my family members. I don’t want to see or hear anything from you ever again.”
“No, you can’t stay at  our house, my family does not want to see you.”
 “How can you not visit her! What a cruel person you are! She asks about you every ten minutes!”

“But she says she doesn’t want to see me.”
“Well, I would never give anyone the possibility to say things like that about me.”
“I’m sorry you are sad and alone. People who have troubles are so annoying.”
“God sends people who pray to hell because they keep bothering Him.”
“Wolves are much better animals than deer.”
“Just lie”

”Ignore your instincts, just do what I want you to”
“I don’t know what anyone sees in her.΅
“He is a pip squeak”
“I can only be friends with you if you break off all relations with our parents.”

“No , I don’t want to do anything special for our mother’s 90th birthday.. Birthdays aren’t important after you are eleven.”
Then I saw his message to a 22 year old: "Happy happy birthday” Hey, I thought you said birthdays weren’t important. You do know she is older than eleven don’t you?”

Friendship broken off
Total silence.

“Hey, my daughter is getting a child. I need to know if you have any physical defects. You don’t? O good, I  am relieved.”

Bye bye family. It was an interesting experience to see that people you do everything for your whole life can remain ice cold. Thanks to you I know that love will never come if people have no love for you. I would never have guessed that you can be totally innocent of people’s cruel behavior. Had I not known you, I might have thought there is something you can do to make cruel people kind. Growing up with you showed me there isn’t.

 

I carry the wounds of your harsh words, and I analyze where they came from.

I recognize I am important for you. Your whole world view is based on the lie you built around me. You have no stance. Since in your heads I embody evil, good is opposite of what I am. You have no problem with praising someone else who does and says the same things I do. That does not mean that some how I have been rehabilitated.

In your minds, being mean to me does not mean you are mean. In your minds, it is the only reaction you can have to me, and emphasizes how correct you are.

How do you prevent people making up mean lies about you?

Find a cure for cancer? No, doesn’t work. They will call you a liar.

Do everything they want? No. Doesn’t work. They will turn it around and pretend you were using them instead of the other way around.

Carefully document all they do and all you do? No, doesn’t work. The documenting itself will be the reason they call you paranoid and anal.

Follow their rules? No. doesn’t work. They will force you to do destructive things for your own life, and name that as evidence for your weak mental health.

Stay kind, no matter how mean they are? No, doesn’t work. They will call you a phony, and say your smile makes them sick to their stomache.

Stand up for yourself? No, doesn’t work. The one time you dared say or do anything in your defense after years of bullying by them will be used as a justification for any future and previous bullying from them.

Be sad? No, doesn’t work. They will mock you for being sad.

Cheering really is the only thing that works. Why? Because you are truly blessed if you get to see this despicable side of human nature. It means you partake in the pain God feels at humans abandoning Him, and you get to be  little closer to God.

After all, rejection is only a small part of what God has to deal with.

We are just like Jonah, being upset his tree was taken.

God has to deal with the rejection of those He made, and sustained from conception, and maybe earlier.

Since it is really true: who rejects those who are nothing but kind, rejected their maker first.

And what does God do? He patiently waits, and so must we.

So I carry my wounds with gratitude, since they are evidence of our loyalty and irreparability. To each other, and to God. And they are evidence of the inexcusability of cruelty, and that is beautiful!

Walking on Water

Mine is not the life
Where childhood was passed in a cloud of well wishes
With pink colored tutus
And bonny blue ribbons
Where mistakes were covered in a mantel of love

No, under the unforgiving eye
Of much older siblings
Every light hearted joke was examined for political correctness
Malicious intent  was sought in each well meant gift
Poison was sought in each friendly word

Diaries and letters were searched for any unkindness
And when it was not found, that was seen as evidence for “not being sincere”
For actually being bad to the core and hiding it
And this despicable nature was presumed by those who studied books on hypnotism
And instructed a two year old to use foul language

The correctness of their rejection was proven to my child mind
By the rejection I received from others
Because of my ties to my decency despising sister and brothers
And the behavior they taught me

My talents were mocked before I knew them
Copied by those who supposedly despised me for them
And so they reaped my fruits and left me with their trash

My life started sub zero
And  out of  that hole I had to crawl
Every branch I was able to clutch
Was kicked away from my hands

"Just let go” they said
“And then we will catch you!?
But they didn’t of course

So finally ready to face and defeat the dragons within
I searched and searched, and found there were none
However the lies and deceit that was in them
Became very clear from that moment on

And so like my cousin  Adrienne Minette Boissevain- van Lennep sewed her freedom skirts
After losing all for her saving over 10.000 children
From scraps of the past, hopes, dreams and wishes
I sewed myself back together again

They don’t quite know how to handle
My still sweet nature
And prefer to pretend that I do not exist

Like walking on water
I stay  kind
A half hearted thank you will sometimes come by
But usually “likes” are given to kind messages
Until they read mine

A shattered life
Does not necessarily mean a broken  spirit
But I do not let my heart break in silence
So every now and then I will let them know I feel it

For every talent they stole, new ones came back
I am more than whole
In spite of their flack

If for a moment they forget to ignore me
They gaze at me in shock
Like they are seeing a ghost
But I can be happy, maybe even more so than most

Not a cruel word passes my lips
Not a cruel thought passes my mind
Not a cruel wish passes my soul
Nor a cruel deed my hands

I am love, not because or in spite of what they did
I am love, because they did not break all of me

Not from the well of the past I draw my strength
But from the living water that is there for the sincere

I do not treat others as I have been treated
But how I wish I would have been treated

So those close to me do find themselves
showered with gifts in a cloud of well wishes
And find their mistakes covered in a mantel of love

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