The Canadian years, 95, all comes together

Door San-Daniel gepubliceerd op Thursday 26 February 18:38

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It all comes together

‘Above my bed,’ I said, ‘no nonsense he had a hammer and I do not know what kept him from doing me in, but it was a toss-up.’ ‘I do not believe that,’Don said, ‘you think so because you were a party in it all.. but then that makes you not objective.’ Explain,’ I said. ‘Oh, a bit more psychology made simple,’ Richard said. ‘I’ll explain it to him sometime when he comes into therapy,’ ‘Don’, I said, I’d like to know. ‘Harassment,’ Don said,’ ‘he hoped you would see it and would flee. Then you were gone and he was rid of the problem.’ ‘What problem,’ Beverly asked. Don looked at us as if we were semi-retarded, ‘as a problem disappears then you stay in rest position. Then all obstacles are gone.’ ‘Don,’ I said,’I do not often agree with you but you might be right. It looked very real.’ ‘Oh yes’, said Don, ‘psychopaths often forget reality and then follow their hearts’. ‘You say that my father wants to murder me.’ ‘What else,’ said Don?

‘But without the nasty consequences that you encounter.’ ‘You know,’ Don said, ‘we are all crazy in moderation, it's the rules, say possible punishment that keeps us on the straight path. At times we forget the consequences because of emotionality. They are the strong, the real killers who exercise enough restraint not to follow that emotionality. They seek a way between the delicate balance between good and bad and regulations.’ This was about the most intelligent revelation that Don had ever uttered. ‘So he wants to murder me as well?’ ‘Do not doubt that,’ said Don, ‘he is looking for the right mode and it is unfortunate that you are not cooperating.’ ‘Bad luck,’ I asked? ‘Yes,’ said, Don, ‘you make it difficult for him, he finds that annoying, you're here and not dead with a hammer poking out of your brain pan because that would not be explicable.He hates you, maybe not always making it confusing for you. But if he could vaporize you away, that would be your final destiny.’

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‘That hatred is an interaction between his desires for an uncomplicated life with Betsy, and a history with you and your disturbing presence.’’ Disturbing,’ I asked? ‘Oh yeah, if you had been in agreement with everthing, you would have  had no problems. Look it's a Oepidus complex in extremo,’ lectured Don. Two men under the same roof share in their hearts a love for the same woman. Your love was pure and your rival knows that and hates you for it. Now there is new situation, the rival has a new love, and you're still there, he does not want your competition. It is the alpha male in the wolf pack.’ ‘He need not worry,’ I said, ‘I think Betsy is three times nothing.’ ‘You know that,’ Don said, ‘but he feels by the age difference, the pressure, the insecurity. Unconsiously Betsy will turn to you, even though you're not a threat, but by your negative attitude, you stimulate her assertiveness.’

‘Don,’ I said, ‘no kidding you've just made a sharp analysis. I take all the doubts I had about you back.’ ‘You would make a very good psychologist. ‘That’, said Don, ‘your strength. ‘You hear something and incorporate it in your thinking and it becomes a part of yourself.’ Richard chuckled and said, ‘ and I think  it's a bunch of nonsense, what I've just heard.’ ‘That is your defect,’ said Don, ‘you hear the truth and because you have not figured that out, it has no value for you.’ ‘So,’ said Richard, ‘have you swallowed ‘ make me clever pills?’ ‘That won’t do’, said Don,’ look you're going on the offensive, which means to me that you feel threatened and that is because I have touched the root of your existence.’ ‘Stop Don,’ I said, ‘you only says sensible things that we need to process first. ‘Is a subscription to psychology made simple expensive,’ asked Richard? ‘Look,’ said Don, ‘you are doing it again, you deny my thinking and believe that is due to a magazine, then you are off the hook. But I can read you man.’

And I can fold you up,’ Richard said. ‘And that's what his father is experiencing now,’ Don said, and he pointed at me. ‘He can fold people up as well, he is only looking for the correct mode..’ ‘I hope he won’t find it and that you’ll make it till May. I had to laugh, that was our clumsy Don again.’ Look,’ Don said, ‘as long as you keep quiet and avoid confrontations you can go with reasonable safety through life. I would hate to be in your shoes and would not rock the boat. A boat does not turn over as long as you don’t rock it, try to avoid that.’ ‘For the same token I would hate to be in your father's shoes because you will not deviate. Therefore, he must do something to you, if only to preserve the credibility to Betsy. He must stay the man in control, you put him under severe pressure.

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‘I am not aware of that,’ I said. ‘No, but in his view, which might troubled by future plans, that's not true. If he could evaporate you, man, believe me, than he would do so’. ‘So I really am in danger?’ ‘Of course,’ said Don, ‘but I do not have to tell you. You should make sure that he does not find the correct mode, which keeps him out of trouble in terms of punishment, yet provides the ability to do away with you. Believe me, he will have no doubt.’ I thought about it and said, ‘you're right.’ ‘There is another possibility,’ Don said. ‘What is that,’ I asked? ‘Kill him, beat him to it.’ ‘That's ridiculous,’ I said that is not in me.’ Precisely for that reason,’ Don said, ‘he'll never expect it.’ ‘Don,’ I said, ‘come on, so what do I do? It would not work for me. I would be able to copy his actions, then I would have to stand with a hammer over his bed.’ ‘If you are not creative, do not venture there,’ Don said.

On the way home I rehashed much of what Don said, and there was a lot of truth in it. I parked the Pontiac and walked to the kitchen door. My father sat at the table with a man in a suit. ‘There you have him’, laughed him my father. ‘Our future student.’ The man got up and shook my hand. ‘We are discussing a life insurance for you,’ my father said. ‘Dental insurance is not necessary,’ the man asked. ‘No,’ my father said, ‘we arrange that ourselves.’ ‘Yep’, I thought, ‘tell me about it. ‘For a little more, we offer premium double indemnity,’ the man said. ‘In the event of an accident, insurance pays out twice.’ ‘That sounds alright with me,’ my father said. ‘Pastor Ohler can start ringing the churchbell,’ I thought. ‘The beneficiary,’ the man said, 'in the case of unpleasant events? ‘That would be me’, my father said. ‘There is nobody else.’ ‘My sister could be it,’ I said. ‘No she lives far away off the coast on an island,’ my father said,’ no you have to keep the lines short.’

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‘Well, you’ll hear from me,’ the man said, after my father had put his signature on the papers.’ The policy takes effect after the first payment’. He got up and my father let him out. ‘Hay day, for pastor Ohler,’ I said. ‘Boy,’ my father said, ‘what do you mean?’ ‘Well,’ I said, ‘if I die you will not forget him?’ Our pastor, I never, forget him,’ smiled my father. ‘Dad while we are sitting here... ‘  ‘Yes,’ my father said? ‘Have you been in my room last night or have I dreamed that. ‘No,’ my father laughed, ‘I've been there and with a sledgehammer.’ ‘I considered knocking your brains out, but I didn’t and  look that is a proof of my love for you. I did not do it, right?’ ‘Thank you,’ I said, ‘I love you too,’ and went downstairs.

San Daniel 2015

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